I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
