I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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