Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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