I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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