i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
