guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
high people should be assigned attendants
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
