matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
