Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
