hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
