ugly people sure do ruin things
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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