she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize