the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
