This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im holly from the hills drunk
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
