i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
