I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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