mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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