Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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