so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
