No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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