i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
