I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
