I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
