I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
