I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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