she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
