i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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