I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
