I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
