Wow word travels fast.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision