Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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