Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you never un-have a 4some
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
