My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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