I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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