Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
