Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
