Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you made out with another girl for some wings
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
