i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
