just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
