My cat gives me a boner
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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