Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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