his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Congratulations! We have a period
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