So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
