somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He shit in the fireplace
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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