I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
