my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
