God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
