Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we should paint friendship bongs
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