i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.