I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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