got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Found your dick twin last night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
