What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
