Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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