i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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