I am in a vortex of obligation.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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