I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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