If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
