Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
