There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
